Jewish Boy Problems

My Mom used to cook most nights of the week, but she has grown “lazy” since I left for college. Tonight I asked what was for dinner, and she said: “Oh, there really isn’t anything. Maybe some old hummus, chicken, and naan?”

I cooked better meals while I was in school.

I look at who comments on friends’ statuses or walls, and then I realize the name looks familiar because he/she regularly tweets at me.

• I’m the neatest person you will ever meet, but not too compulsive.
• I like to cook and often cook when I’m home in between semesters
• Living with people unlike me during my semester-away program was the best experience I’ve had.
• Most of my phobias were instilled in me by my mother
• I don’t do amusement parks
• I don’t do crowded malls
• I just don’t do crowds, really
• One time, I ate bacon by accident and brushed my teeth afterward
• I probably have one of the weakest stomachs in the world, but love eating all kinds of good food regardless
• I appreciate correct grammar, syntax, and punctuation (plus Oxford commas)
• I own more button-down shirts than I care to list
• A few friends know my true identity, but my parents, acquaintances, and followers do not.
• I’m terrible at math—though I am good at budgeting money and investing
• I have a few jobs to pay for my expenses and love what I do. My parents cover my food allowance at school and Bubbe pays my tuition. I’m not as financially independent as I would like, but hope to be free soon.
• I’m not scared about graduating college next year.
• I wish I were taller (don’t we all?)
• I still have to ask permission before I go over to friends’ houses when I’m home.
• I’m in love with my college and all the opportunities it has provided me
• I’m probably going to meet at least one of my future girlfriends through Twitter.
• I started @JewBoyProblems as a social experiment to see how many people could find me organically (IE: without paid advertisement)

I just want challah.

BAGEL TIME!

• This semester away has been eye-opening to say the least. Living with people completely unlike me has been the best experience. I feel I have grown mentally, matured, and learned how to be more cognizant of my “snobby” comments. (ie: Roommate pointing out how nice a car is, and I respond, “That BMW isn’t even new.”)
• Everyone has at least one “secret.” When you become good friends, those secrets manifest themselves and see the light of day. 
• I’m really excited to live in New York City this summer.
• I’m really excited to go back home to the tri-state area for a month before I move into NYC (for now).
• My hair is really long. REALLY, really long. Jewfro status. I don’t want to get a haircut since I’ll be home in a week.
• I feel like everyone is paring up. I’m willing to change that this summer and see if I can meet the NJG of my dreams.

I just really want a bagel. I don’t care what time it is.

I get extremely flattered when girls whom I have never met ask me to their dances, proms, formals, and sorority parties.

The fact that girls who do not know what I look like would go as far to send a seemingly serious invite restores my faith in mankind. Why do I say that? So many times, people can be shallow (myself included). I’m receiving invites sight unseen.

What’s on the inside is extremely important, and I am glad that people are coming around.

I have brown eyes and hair. My legs are uncomfortably hairy. My dream is to crack 5’8. I think my Dad works in finance and my Mom loves to spend his money.

The biggest culture shock of my life was leaving the tri-state area and attending college in Upstate New York.

I have two grandmothers—Grandma Estelle and Bubbe. My grandfathers, Sol and Marv, passed away when I was still a child. Bubbe lives in Broken Sound in Boca Raton. Grandma Estelle lives in a Jewish assisted living home near my parents’ house in Northern New Jersey. Both of my grandmothers keep strictly Kosher and make outdated remarks about my Mom handing off her “domestic duties” to our “Shiksa baleboste,” Consuela.

My parents were devastated when they found out I didn’t want to pursue law, medicine, or finance in college. My motivation and internships have made my parents more comfortable with my decision. Now that my parents aren’t worried about my career, they want to get me a personal trainer so I can attract more girls. To quote my Mom, “You’re cute, but you wouldn’t be able to fight off a mugger.” Thanks, Mom.

My 23-year-old JAPpy older sister works in fashion PR in NYC and still has my parents paying her bills. My Dad hopes she finds a rich boyfriend so he can stop supporting her. Surprisingly, she’s most spiritual person in my family. Oh wait, “Kabbalah” is “in” among her Murray Hill friends.

My Mom hasn’t had a career since she married my father. However, once she became an empty nester, she got really involved with a non-profit foundation that her friends’ husbands all fund. She’s also really into playing tennis at the JCC and pretending she’s an interior decorator. Recently, she told my father that our kitchen was “too 90’s” and brought home tile and cabinet samples in the back of her Acura MDX.

I don’t know what my father does. Definitely something with Wall Street, I think. He traveled a lot for work, but at least he always brought home nice presents for my sister and I. Fifteen years ago, he received a huge promotion and we moved into a brand new home in the nicest part of town. Despite his success, he’s surprisingly the most grounded person in my entire family. He gives me lots of advice and wisdom, though it’s usually related to finance.

Consuela is our housekeeper. She’s been in our family since my sister was six-months-old and it’s hard to dismiss someone who has helped raise your family. I’m pretty sure Consuela is going to live in our finished basement (among the Bar/Bat Mitzvah decorations) until my parents decide to move to Boca.