Jewish Boy Problems

The thought of moving home, commuting for the last week of my internship, then living in purgatory until going back to school depresses me.

That time I made it into Tenafly High School’s yearbook without knowing a single soul there.

My standards are too high
I do it partly to piss off my parents
Having a relationship as an undergrad is dumb if you live nowhere near each other and have different schedules
I’m too into my work (I actually work, believe it or not)
Our levels of maturity differ greatly
I wouldn’t be able to dedicate enough time, truthfully. Not fair to either person.
I can’t stay out of the bathroom long enough
She’s not Jewish

Oh, high school memories…with some current ones mixed in.

“I’m really learning a lot from these expensive SAT prep classes.”
“I totally didn’t copy the practice answers from the back of the SAT prep book.”
“She ended it…not me.”
“I think she’s Jewish.”
“My phone just suddenly stopped working!”
“I don’t know why there is a dairy dish with meatballs on it. Must have been Dad.”
“Don’t worry! I have it under control.”
“I’ve never drunkenly walked by myself in the dark.”
“I don’t know why the wine is suddenly missing.”
“That’s not a water bottle of vodka! Who do you think I am?”
“Yeah, we’re still friends!”
“There will be an adult at the party!” [It was their off-duty housekeeper]
“I’m not tweeting about you!”

Girls who…

are decisive
have actual work experience and know the value of a dollar
are go-getters
like to read and/or write
enjoy premium cable shows
like to eat good food
like to cook meals with friends
genuinely care about what you have to say
do not describe themselves as a “betch”
don’t try to eat a falafel lafa without making a mess (it’s impossible)
have long brown hair and tan skin
have a good relationship with their parents and family members
are smiling more often than not
value intelligence but also know when to lay-back and be funny
hate pranks as much as I do
wouldn’t mind staying in, getting wine drunk, and devouring a tub of hummus
are “tight” with bouncers
prefer bars or lounges over clubs
find nothing amusing about amusement parks
aren’t overly religious, but love to honor family traditions and customs
enjoy talking to adults (i.e.: friends’ parents) as much as I do
mix wasabi in the soy sauce at sushi restaurants
prefer Instagram over every other social network
have aspirations to truly be the best they can be and impact others in a positive manner